Forewarning this post contains no fashion, beauty or fun… just me whining about my feelings.
I was standing at the check out line at the local grocery store, and I could feel the tears filling up my eyes. All I kept thinking is… keep your shit together for few more minutes… I was so grateful that I was wearing my bball cap and no one could really see my face. I made it through the checkout and literally sprinted to my car with the shopping cart. Once I reached my car, there was no stopping the tears. This was the day I cried in the car.
I have always had a career, a corporate job, a steady paycheck. Even after Reese was born, I continued to work. 5 years later, I got pregnant again, we were in the midst of remodeling our dream home, and John got promoted… just like that my life took a 180… and we moved to NY. We’ve been here for 2 years now. Reese is 7 and Grant is 2.
So how did I get here??? I have a beautiful family, we have a roof over our heads and thank the Lord we have our health. Yet, I am sitting here in the car, filled with anxiety. I feel like I am going to burst. What is wrong with me? Well, let me tell you…
- I question whether I am good mom on a daily basis.
- I feel like I don’t do enough WITH my kids.
- I constantly compare myself to other moms.
- I worry how will my kids remember their childhood and me.
You know my job revolves around social media. I see other mommy bloggers, and I cant help but envy them. Their hair and makeup is always amazing. They take pictures with their kids, they all grin from ear to ear. Meanwhile I am here on day 4 of dry shampoo, barely managed to put concealer under my eyes, and I am pretty much constantly yelling at my kids to stop fighting. How come their life looks so perfect? I should know better than that, it is not.
How come no one ever talks about how hard it is to be a mom? Yes, it is so rewarding and the love you feel for these tiny humans is unreal. But damn, this shit is hard. Wouldn’t it be easier if we talked about it? Maybe I would not feel so alone in my daily struggles? But it is almost a taboo. Grant is going through terrible twos, it is an absolute hell. We are pretty much trapped at home, taking him in public is a risk. A risk of him kicking and screaming, pulling my hair, destroying everything in sight, try to run away, etc etc… my kid can be a jerk. OH MY GOD…. did she just say that? Yes, I did. But he is not a bad kid, he is 2. I love him with all my heart and I am as obsessed with him, as I am with his big sister. Terrible twos suck people, and it is ok to talk about it, and it is ok to be honest. This too shall pass, and I just know he’ll be back to being a baby angel he once was in no time.
Are you a good mom?
I am not sure if I am. I want to be the Pinterest mom, I want to be the mom that volunteers at school, I want to be the mom that bakes cookies with her kids and makes a disaster out of the kitchen (and laughs about it). But I am not. I like to snuggle with my kids, I like to take them to the bookstore and play with books and trains. I like taking them to the coffee shops, and buying them freshly baked cookies. I like my kitchen clean. So am I a bad mom? (already thinking of that movie “Bad Moms”). I am just not the stereotypical stay at home mom. Oh and news flash… I actually work full time, just from home. But no one understands what I do, so they assume… I stay at home and refuse to volunteer at school… I do not live up to the idea of a stay at home mom. And that is ok, yet I still feel the pressure. I am just not THAT mom.
What do other moms think of you?
Do I care? I would love to tell ya, heck no… But I am a human being with feelings, and I do. Sometimes when I have one of those “honest” moments when I whine about my kids, I can see the looks I get… With that I am actually ok. I am not going to sit here and pretend I live in a land of rainbows and unicorns, my life is real. And sometimes it is tough. I am blunt and honest… (if you follow me on IG, you my recall my cilantro story). I am not everybody’s cup of tea. But don’t give me the dirty looks, because you can’t handle the truth. Wouldn’t it be just lovely if women supported other women, instead of judgement, talking behind each other’s backs?
Do you yell at your kids?
I do… Yes, I yell at my kids to stop fighting, I yell at them to clean their messes or to do their homework. No, this is not my preferred method of communication. Once again I want to be the mom who just says everything in her angelic voice, and her kids magically listen and do what they’re told. Well, again I am not that mom. And my kids are not the obedient baby angles. I talk to my kids, ask my kids, and expect them to listen. Funny thing about kids, sometimes they don’t. I do want to say that every time I raise my voice, I regret it. I feel terrible about it. I do not want my kids stressed or anything. But sometimes, that is what it takes for them to actually pay attention to me and listen.
So that morning as I sat in my car sobbing, and questioning myself, I thought I should share it. Yes, my blog is about clothes and sales, but it is also about me. I am me… I am far from perfect, and so is my life. Maybe you’re reading this and you’re not a mom. But you may be going through something similar. The pressure from the society to be a certain way, or just a pressure you put on yourself. Bottom line is this, I wanted to write this to share my struggles, and if you’re going through something as well, just know you’re not alone. We all have our daily battles and struggles.
So you had your moment, now what?
Now that I spilled my guts to you all, I feel better. I need to focus on what I can control. I can shower my kids with love and affection, and also try my best to be the best mom that I CAN be. Not aspire to be someone else’s ideal of mom.
Thanks for reading friends.