Forewarning this post contains no fashion, beauty or fun… just me whining about my feelings.
I was standing at the check out line at the local grocery store, and I could feel the tears filling up my eyes. All I kept thinking is… keep your shit together for few more minutes… I was so grateful that I was wearing my bball cap and no one could really see my face. I made it through the checkout and literally sprinted to my car with the shopping cart. Once I reached my car, there was no stopping the tears. This was the day I cried in the car.
I have always had a career, a corporate job, a steady paycheck. Even after Reese was born, I continued to work. 5 years later, I got pregnant again, we were in the midst of remodeling our dream home, and John got promoted… just like that my life took a 180… and we moved to NY. We’ve been here for 2 years now. Reese is 7 and Grant is 2.
So how did I get here??? I have a beautiful family, we have a roof over our heads and thank the Lord we have our health. Yet, I am sitting here in the car, filled with anxiety. I feel like I am going to burst. What is wrong with me? Well, let me tell you…
- I question whether I am good mom on a daily basis.
- I feel like I don’t do enough WITH my kids.
- I constantly compare myself to other moms.
- I worry how will my kids remember their childhood and me.
You know my job revolves around social media. I see other mommy bloggers, and I cant help but envy them. Their hair and makeup is always amazing. They take pictures with their kids, they all grin from ear to ear. Meanwhile I am here on day 4 of dry shampoo, barely managed to put concealer under my eyes, and I am pretty much constantly yelling at my kids to stop fighting. How come their life looks so perfect? I should know better than that, it is not.
How come no one ever talks about how hard it is to be a mom? Yes, it is so rewarding and the love you feel for these tiny humans is unreal. But damn, this shit is hard. Wouldn’t it be easier if we talked about it? Maybe I would not feel so alone in my daily struggles? But it is almost a taboo. Grant is going through terrible twos, it is an absolute hell. We are pretty much trapped at home, taking him in public is a risk. A risk of him kicking and screaming, pulling my hair, destroying everything in sight, try to run away, etc etc… my kid can be a jerk. OH MY GOD…. did she just say that? Yes, I did. But he is not a bad kid, he is 2. I love him with all my heart and I am as obsessed with him, as I am with his big sister. Terrible twos suck people, and it is ok to talk about it, and it is ok to be honest. This too shall pass, and I just know he’ll be back to being a baby angel he once was in no time.
Are you a good mom?
I am not sure if I am. I want to be the Pinterest mom, I want to be the mom that volunteers at school, I want to be the mom that bakes cookies with her kids and makes a disaster out of the kitchen (and laughs about it). But I am not. I like to snuggle with my kids, I like to take them to the bookstore and play with books and trains. I like taking them to the coffee shops, and buying them freshly baked cookies. I like my kitchen clean. So am I a bad mom? (already thinking of that movie “Bad Moms”). I am just not the stereotypical stay at home mom. Oh and news flash… I actually work full time, just from home. But no one understands what I do, so they assume… I stay at home and refuse to volunteer at school… I do not live up to the idea of a stay at home mom. And that is ok, yet I still feel the pressure. I am just not THAT mom.
What do other moms think of you?
Do I care? I would love to tell ya, heck no… But I am a human being with feelings, and I do. Sometimes when I have one of those “honest” moments when I whine about my kids, I can see the looks I get… With that I am actually ok. I am not going to sit here and pretend I live in a land of rainbows and unicorns, my life is real. And sometimes it is tough. I am blunt and honest… (if you follow me on IG, you my recall my cilantro story). I am not everybody’s cup of tea. But don’t give me the dirty looks, because you can’t handle the truth. Wouldn’t it be just lovely if women supported other women, instead of judgement, talking behind each other’s backs?
Do you yell at your kids?
I do… Yes, I yell at my kids to stop fighting, I yell at them to clean their messes or to do their homework. No, this is not my preferred method of communication. Once again I want to be the mom who just says everything in her angelic voice, and her kids magically listen and do what they’re told. Well, again I am not that mom. And my kids are not the obedient baby angles. I talk to my kids, ask my kids, and expect them to listen. Funny thing about kids, sometimes they don’t. I do want to say that every time I raise my voice, I regret it. I feel terrible about it. I do not want my kids stressed or anything. But sometimes, that is what it takes for them to actually pay attention to me and listen.
So that morning as I sat in my car sobbing, and questioning myself, I thought I should share it. Yes, my blog is about clothes and sales, but it is also about me. I am me… I am far from perfect, and so is my life. Maybe you’re reading this and you’re not a mom. But you may be going through something similar. The pressure from the society to be a certain way, or just a pressure you put on yourself. Bottom line is this, I wanted to write this to share my struggles, and if you’re going through something as well, just know you’re not alone. We all have our daily battles and struggles.
So you had your moment, now what?
Now that I spilled my guts to you all, I feel better. I need to focus on what I can control. I can shower my kids with love and affection, and also try my best to be the best mom that I CAN be. Not aspire to be someone else’s ideal of mom.
Thanks for reading friends.
October 27, 2017 @ 4:21 pm
Amazing authentic communication!! Why I love you so and I am gravitated to your IG. I have 4 kids (1 boy & 3 girls) grown and I relate ???? to what your saying and your current season. There is no prototype for being a good mom/Best mom … being you & loving unconditionally with your kids/family is the BEST- your way !! Genuine lasts, molds, loved & respected.
October 27, 2017 @ 4:34 pm
Thank you so much for you kind words! Love,
October 27, 2017 @ 4:52 pm
I love your honestly and I’m there with you. Also, if it helps I cry like at least once a day. ????????♀️ momlife is tough! We are in it together and sharing the not so great stuff takes courage and helps other moms know they aren’t alone. ????
October 27, 2017 @ 5:02 pm
Thank you so much for reading Lindsay! It is really comforting knowing I am not the only one struggling.
October 27, 2017 @ 6:29 pm
The only people who ever judge a mom are people who don’t have kids of their own! I have three kids and I yell all the time. I’m also not a “sit down on the floor and play with kids” type of mom. I like a clean and put away house and that’s what gives me sanity in a life full of out of control moments. And yes, kids can be real butt holes sometimes. I have three of them! But they will be fine. They have their whole lives ahead of them while we need to practice self love and self care and live our lives as individuals too. I’m sure your life looks perfect on the outside to many people too. And thank you for sharing the not so pretty and IG-perfect side of it too. Parenting is hard! Especially when you have a spirited and temperamental child (I have one of those too!) I was insecure when my kids were younger – especially when parenting in public. I just learned not to care what people might think of me or my kids.
October 27, 2017 @ 7:24 pm
Thank you Stefana. Boy you must be so busy with three kiddos, I feel like I am drowning with two. Thanks so much for reading and for the kind words. It means so much to me!
October 27, 2017 @ 6:42 pm
So true, thank you for this! It is hard and frustrating and not very fun at times. I love being a mom but it is not easy. My kids are 10 and almost 7 and they have intense personalities. I yell and regret it but I try to
remember I’m only human. I have that struggle with volunteering or not as well. I have a business (as an on call mobile veterinarian) and and sometimes just need down time even though I could find the time to volunteer. It’s ok. We are all doing the best we can and we are good moms because we care. I think it’s important to support each other and not judge.
October 27, 2017 @ 7:22 pm
Thank you for reading Allegra. It is so comforting to know I am not the only one struggling. Sending hugs to you and your crew!
October 28, 2017 @ 2:33 am
I did the volunteering, the clean house (so Mums dropping off their kids to play would be impressed), I did the big sleep overs with themes……You want to know what my , now 21 year old daughter remembers….. the simple little things you said coffee shop visits, library time and that I knew where her stuffie was… You are doing great! Your kids will remember that their Mum gave great hugs.
October 28, 2017 @ 12:46 pm
Wow that is so comforting to know. Thank you so much for reading, and leaving this message.
October 28, 2017 @ 2:39 am
You’re not alone! We moms put so much pressure on ourselves. I just want my kids to reflect on their childhood as a time of love & happiness. I’m hoping all the love & joy we share outweighs the times I yell (which feels like all the time) bc they’re being assholes. I think all our worrying solidifies we’re doing something right…right?????????♀️????????
October 28, 2017 @ 12:45 pm
I think you’re absolutely right! Thank you so much for leaving this comment!
October 28, 2017 @ 11:55 am
I appreciate how open and honest you are. We have all been there and felt the same way. Sometimes you lose your sh*t and that’s ok. Having mom guilt shows that you do care how you act and treat your kids but you know that they still love you and everything is going to be ok ❤️
October 28, 2017 @ 12:44 pm
Thank you so much Amanda!
November 24, 2017 @ 3:58 am
I may not be a mom, but the fact that you’re so concerned with your kids means that you must be a good one. The PTA mom stuff is just decoration, at the end of the day your kids are the most important thing and everything else is secondary. I know I’m just a random person at the other end of a keyboard, but I admire your love for your kids. You’re doing a great job, don’t doubt it for a second.
November 24, 2017 @ 11:55 am
Thank you so much for the kind words. It really means the world to me. I have great days when I feel like a super mom, and then theres not so great ones.
Thank you again.